Unrequited Love

Diary of Heartbreak


Monday        4.00pm

Phoned him at work - he was off-hand and said he was busy.
Automatic Thought: - despair, frustration

4.45pm

Phoned him again - same response.  Tried gently persuading him to come round for coffee.  Not interested.  Bluntly refused.  He told me I shouldn`t annoy him by phoning him at work twice.  I tried to explain that the second call was to make amends for the first call (and hoping he was in a better mood) - didn`t work! 

Left feeling hurt, unwanted, a nuisance and frustrated.  Also angry but ultimately defeated!

Course of Action:-   Do not phone again!  Get on with life!

Tuesday     10.05am

He phoned me.  Feeling anxious after speaking to him.  Phone call went well enough although I detected underlying tension.  This made me feel uneasy for the duration of the call.  He said he wants to talk to me which is making me even more nervous.  From past experience I know he will say we have to stop seeing each other.

Have agreed to see him at 8.30pm.  Dreading it! He is majorly stressed at the moment so I don`t know what`s coming - but I don`t know how to avoid it.  Feeling hopeless and extremely emotional.

Automatic Thought:- desperation, nervous apprehension

Secondary Reasoning:-  Impossible as I feel so churned up emotionally.  Frightening realisation that I have to somehow get through the day.  Keep occupied.  Go and visit a friend. 

It`s difficult because I wanted to do painting today but if I do I won`t get rid of this awful feeling of dread about tonight.

He`s spoilt my day - AGAIN!

Thursday        10.30am

Waiting for him to call.  Beginning to feel uneasy and fretful but fighting it by occupying myself around the house, keeping busy.  Mentally going over the conversation I might have with him when he does phone.  Trying to ignore the knot in my stomach that appears to be increasing with every tick of the clock and each car I hear passing my house.  Trying to reason with myself that perhaps he is busy at work; ignoring the voice in my head telling me/reminding me that he wants out of this relationship we have been in for three whole years.  Telling myself that even if he does ring it would be out of his feeling of duty or possibly guilt and not because he really wants to speak to me.  I guess that`s what really stings, if I am totally honest - the fact that I desperately want him to phone because he wants to - not because he feels pressured into doing so.

Maybe I should take a step back and give him space - but how can I do that when he fills every space in my life?

I must remember how annoyed he gets when I have phoned him at work recently.  A call from me will only serve to cause me more stress and hurt by his behaviour towards me. 

I MUST NOT PHONE.

Automatic Thought:-  Feeling sad, alone, anxious and frustrated

Saturday    9.30am

When I am with friends, performing drama or rehearsing with my band, I feel at ease with myself.  There are no underlying feelings of emotional uneasiness or real unhappiness.  I can be myself totally.  I am not overtly sensitive to other peoples` or even my own emotions.  I operate fully as an adult woman.

When I am with Michael I spend most of the time gaging his mood, trying to second guess him, trying to get inside his head.  I psychologically watch my every move both physically and verbally.  I easily lose control of my emotions if things become uncomfortable and spend the whole time with a feeling of uncontrolled panic deep inside me.  My mind is a confused whirl, a complete mishmash of emotions.  Occasionally I expel my true feelings from my soul in the form of tears and breathlessness.  With each outcry of emotion goes any inner strength and sense of self-worth.  Eventually, I am drained; empty. Broken. 

Moreover, the inner turmoil is still there stagnant and horribly devastating to my soul.


Written at a time of great upset and confusion, all in the name of "love", when I seem to have lost all sense of reasoning. My heart was definitely in conflict with my mind as I searched for a solution for a broken heart, and the power of the written word for me, was astronomically cathartic and necessary. I thank the Lord that I came through it with my heart and mind reasonably intact.

Written by Jsjcreations