Saturday, 27 February 2010

Divorced and Free

Last Monday I received the letter I had been waiting for; my divorce absolute certificate.  I received it with a mixture of emotions, none of which were regret or sadness.  I wasn`t euphorically happy, I wasn`t overwhelmingly sad;  I was emotionally settled and accepting. 
 My marriage was akin to going on a long arduous hike - the start was pleasant and my hopes were high of reaching the destination in one piece.  I knew there would be struggles, potholes and times when I would feel completely lost and hopeless, but I believed that the journey would be worth it and and that we would walk the path together avoiding obstacles, strengthening our relationship. Sometimes as we walked on level ground I believed things were going to be okay, and then, from nowhere, would appear a hill for us to climb.  Gradually I realised I was climbing the hill alone, he was happy to stay at the bottom, in the gravel and the mud and when I reached the top, there was no-one there to celebrate with, no-one to to share my achievement.  I guess I am a sentimentalist and romanticist and by the end of the journey, these traits were stretched to breaking point and eventually splintered and shattered along with any dreams of happiness and contentment.  
I wept too many tears within the marriage to weep again at its closure.  I wanted and needed the closure as the alternative was too painful and destructive to consider.  The continuing over-powering sadness, frustrations and despair I experienced whilst I fought to save my non-functioning relationship totally drained me both psychologically and emotionally, leaving scars deeper than the deepest crater. 
I suppose the over-riding emotion I now feel is one of relief that I have infact survived.  I thank God for giving me the strength to do what I had to do and rewarding me with my sanity.