Tuesday, 22 February 2011
What a load of poo !!
As I went to put my coat on to leave my daughter`s house this afternoon, she came towards me, "Here Mum, take these magazines, I`ve finished with them". I glanced down at them now in my hand, and saw Josie and JJ`s faces grinning inanely at me from the cover of "OK!" magazine. They were being photographed in a fake travellers` wedding setting complete with horses, caravans and a bright pink meringue wedding dress. As if being severely electrocuted, I dropped the offending magazine to the floor, proclaiming, "I would rather walk blindfolded four miles up the M25 in hobnail boots, than read that rubbish"! I did however agree to take the other two magazines she proffered as she seemed somewhat offended by my reaction to her generosity.
Tonight in my bath relaxing, I decided to learn just what these magazines offer as a means of educating us in the subject of celebrity and entertainment. Looking at the "New!" magazine before me, the first thing I notice is the amazing reduction in price from a whopping 95p to a lesser dent in the purse of 45p. "Wow! That`s some kind of bargain", I said to myself as I sunk under the Raddox bubbles in my steaming bath. Four seperate photos of the socially inept couples that are Pete/Elen/Jordan/Alex grace the front page - Greattt! Oh and another of dear Alex fills most of page 2!!
Four pages are then filled with photographs of celebs dressed up to the nines in their designer frocks on the red carpet at a recent awards show, most of them looking radiant, whilst someone at the magazine who obviously knows a huge amount about fashion and fashion faux pas, shows their opinion of the outfits by using thumbs up and thumbs down graphics. That kept my attention for a full twenty seconds, before I moved on to learn about ......Jordan and Alex (two more pages worth) and Pete and Elen not being able to keep their hands off each other (one page worth).
Moving on..........Ah! Now we have the nation`s favourite ice skating nightmare that goes by the name of Kerry going on about her love for a secret man by the name of Kevin. Apparently they met at a bootcamp, where they kissed but not in a passionate way. Stone the Crows!! Kerry and Kevin!! Sounds about right to me!
Another classy lady who I like to call Cheryl the Peryl, for obvious reasons, appears next on page 18 in a slinky little backless black number in a bid to show off her exciting new tattoo. Lovely Cheryl - sure it will look gorgeous when you are eighty-five and about to have a hip replacement operation. I can just see the nurses, "just turn onto your tummy please Mrs Cole while I administer the morphine. Christ! What the hell is that?" "Have your grandchildren been going mad with the felt tips?"
Aww! At last a breath of fresh air as Myleene Class appears on page 20 wearing a beautiful lemon dress which hangs elegantly over her pregnant tum. Lovely!
Skipping and skimming over Chantelle`s proclaimations, Ulrika`s skinny but ill story and Simon trying to convince us of his love for his fiance with the name nobody this side of Asia can pronounce, my eyes fall upon a sad pic squeezed into the bottom corner of the page of poor Gail Porter breaking down as her alopecia returns and once again she must face the world with none of her own hair.
A few pages along brings forth the words and wisdom of Amy Childs "This week I have used six pairs of fake eyelashes, but I do wear two at a time!", who for reasons best known to those in charge of this wonderful example of a British magazine, now has her own column. Incredible, when one considers her only claim to fame is having enormous fake boobs and the vocabulary and intelligence of an average three year old.
On to.."Hot or Not?" - God! I think I`m beginning to lose the will to live! Who cares?
No, it`s no good, I am really not interested in Chloe Madeley telling me she`d love to have a nose job! If I had her nose I would too! Oh, but wait! "I`d absolutely love a nose job, but I`d absolutely never do it. It`s just not in my nature!" What??
Jeff Brazier`s new secret girlfriend, Sarah Harding drunk as a skunk again, Kayla looking for Mr Wright after eating unthinkables in the jungle............ That`s it!!
This sodden mag is going where it belongs! On the bottom of the hamster cage or better still, wrapping up Hadley the puppy`s poo!!